I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
