tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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