This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
