WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
