I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
