my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
