So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
