I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
