Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's shark week go big or go home
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
