Dude my mom stole all your condoms
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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