They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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