You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
