Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
