My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
