Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
