We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
