I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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