90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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