1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
