GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
