the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
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The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Omg I joined a choir last night...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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