that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
