I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize