He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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