sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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