In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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