you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
