I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
