ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We talked him into tasing himself.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
