I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
