cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
