it's like iHOP with fire
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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