Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
