At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
