There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
