I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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