is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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