your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
