I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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