My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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