I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
