Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
