So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
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she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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