My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
