I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
