It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
