I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
