I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
