Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
