He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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