My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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