So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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