were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We have started to decorate penises.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
