dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
