Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
