I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I deserve this hangover.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
