So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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