I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
