Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
